Still
by C. E. Gray
Summary: Femslash. The vision of a winter in Rome still fresh in her mind, Xena does the one thing she knows will ensure Gabrielle's safety... Xena x Gabrielle


Still

By: C. E. Gray

**Standard Disclaimer**: The characters of Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, and Najara do not belong to me, unfortunately. They lay claim with Renassaince Pictures and such other fine companies… no copyright infringement of any sort is intended, and I promise to put them back right where I found them.

The lyrics in this story are written by Skott Freedman, no copyright infringement is intended, I just love his music and his words are powerful, and fitting. The poem near the end, however, is my own creation. Please ask if you wish to borrow it.

**Storyline Disclaimer**: While I realize the timeline (after _The Crusader_ but before _Endgame_), to be true to the series, would require Gabrielle to still be on her "peace-is-the-way" kick… that particular storyline doesn't work for my muse and this tale. The only thing I like from that period is the short hair cut. grin So… Gabrielle steps off the path of peace for a bit, all right? Relax, it's only just crossing the little boundaries for a short time. She doesn't go running all willy-nilly leaving the peaceful path in the dust until Ides of March. Creative license… it's a wonderful thing.

**Violence Disclaimer**: None necessary here, really. Yes, I realize this is a Xena tale, but there's honestly no fighting, unless you count striking a tree as tree-abuse… then I guess I would rate it a PG.

**Language/Sex Disclaimer**: Hm, once again, the answer is no. While a loving relationship between two women is mentioned, nothing is in the least bit graphic.

**Author's Note**: So by now you're probably wondering just what the heck this story _is _about, if there's no violence, no naughty language, and no sex scenes. Well, this tale started out as a little idea in the back of my mind, brought on by my inability to finish any of the works I currently have in progress due to technical difficulties, and grew from there. I truly believe my muse is to thank for this one (and me to blame, if you so desire), for she seemed to have a storyline prepared of which I had no knowledge. The close of this tale still surprises me; it wasn't what I had in mind to type, but in the end, this is what came forth.

Thanks to Amber, Lis, Char, and all of you reading this for your support and encouragement. More thanks and love than I know how to express in words to Alex, for everything, forever.

_Fate, Time, Occasion, Chance, and Change? To these_

_All things are subject but eternal Love._

_- Percy Bysshe Shelley, _Prometheus Unbound (Fr. II)

* * *

The mug made a heavy sound as the woman slammed it down onto the table, having drained it of every drop of port. This was her second order, and she raised her arm quickly for another, which was brought soon after. Nothing was said as she slid the dinars forward, but the man eyed her with caution as he took the money, wondering if the drunken warrior was going to cause trouble for his inn. She looked dangerous enough sober, with the dark hair and armored leather, not to mention piercing blue eyes and an equally sharp sword… but a few mugs of port threw another kind of threat into the mix. 

However, she was a paying customer, and sat in the far corner away from the other patrons… so, the man took the payment silently and left the woman to herself. Whatever thoughts might be coursing behind that gorgeous head of hers, he was sure he didn't want to know.

_And he's right,_ thought the warrior, correctly guessing by the man's hasty departure that he simply wanted to leave her alone. _I don't even want to know what I'm thinking._

Lightning blue eyes gazed, unseeing, into the pungent drink for a solid minute, before Xena raised it to her lips and swallowed deeply. Checking her money pouch as she wiped at her mouth, she guessed she had enough for one more, and took another sip as the memories she'd been trying to drown all night floated  
to the surface…

It was the feeling of the sun on her face that had awakened the warrior that morning… an experience all too uncommon as of late. Xena often found herself moving around before dawn, deciding it was more worthwhile to begin a quest for breakfast than to attempt to sleep any further. She hadn't told Gabrielle of this sleeplessness, however… that would only worry the bard, an emotion Xena wanted to keep for herself as much as possible.

Their latest quest lead them close enough to Najara's twisted world to get a brief glimpse, which was sufficient to bring plenty of stress upon them both. It seemed they would never get a break, never get a real chance to relax, just the two of them. India had been a rough experience, and though they'd learned a lot about themselves and each other during that time, Xena was glad to be back in Greece.

Where they were headed now was unknown, and Xena realized that was rather nice… not to have anyone beckoning for their help, able to simply travel like they'd done before. Anywhere or nowhere was fine with the warrior, as long as Gabrielle was with her.

_Gabrielle…_ That thought caused her to look down at the sleeping woman beside her with a gentle smile. While it had become routine for the two to share the same bedroll, Xena was afraid that deep inside she took the bard's presence for granted, and would wake up one morning to find the small blonde gone. After four years of traveling together, progressing easily from strangers to friends, and friends to lovers, the warrior knew she should've known better than to doubt Gabrielle's staying power. They'd been through everything together, and still, steady blue eyes were blessed with seeing the blonde every day.

_Well, we've been through _almost_ everything,_ thought Xena, with a heavy mental sigh that pushed the notion and attached image to the back of her mind. She decided it was time to get up and start working on breakfast, the smell of which would have her bard awake shortly… Yes, breakfast was much more conducive to bringing about a good mood than concentrating on what lay behind the snowflakes of the vision that haunted her every movement and tickled the tip of her tongue each time she went to speak.

Shaking her head to dispel those thoughts, the tall warrior got to her feet slowly so as not to wake her bard, and set off in search of a good meal.

Just as Xena expected, Gabrielle awoke a short time later, when the scent of cooking rabbit drifted towards her. The bard smiled her good morning, and thanked Xena with another smile when she handed her a portion of the meal. The two endured a silent breakfast, and after Xena had extinguished the fire, she casually mentioned that there was a small lake with a waterfall just past the woods.

Green eyes seemed excited by the prospect, so that's where the warrior woman led the small blonde. They spent the day relaxing on warm rocks, diving into the water to cool off every so often, even getting into a water fight when Gabrielle jumped in the lake just as Xena surfaced, effectively splashing her. It was a day to themselves that the women needed desperately, and helped to dispel some of the tension.

When the sun was high, Xena brought out bread and cheese and a few apples, having discovered an apple tree on her expedition earlier that morning. The warrior even surprised Gabrielle for a moment by breaking off a bit of bread and offering it to her, feeding the bard by hand once or twice.

Though Gabrielle enjoyed the attention, dusk fell and drove them back to the campsite, where she started a fire once again and felt the twinges of a sunburn each time she got close to the flames, and so chose to sit some distance away, Xena either not noticing or not caring to mention the space that put between them.

Gabrielle watched Xena carefully from across the campsite, keeping an eye on her warrior as she sharpened her sword methodically, knowing her mind was on anything but the task.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, softly, and Xena looked up, giving Gabrielle a puzzled expression that belied the fact Xena knew exactly what she meant. "You've been especially quiet today, Xena. What's wrong?" Despite the activities of the day, the bard couldn't go without noticing the lack of true conversation they'd shared.

The warrior shook her head, and blue eyes looked forward again, seeming to search for something out in the trees, something which could only be found inside.

"You know you can tell me anything," the bard persisted, gently.

"Not this." _Great._ Xena hadn't meant to say it aloud, and although it was a mere whisper, green eyes narrowed.

Gabrielle was silent for a moment. "What do you mean, 'not this'?"

"It's just… this is different, Gabrielle."

"By the gods, Xena, look what we've been through in the past four summers! You must know by now that nothing you could tell me would make me think of leaving," the bard spoke, correctly guessing that part of Xena's fear laid in Gabrielle's departure after hearing of the vision.

Xena closed her eyes briefly, hearing the hurt in the young bard's voice. "I know everything we've gone through," she said, evenly. "And I'm glad you're still here with me."

A fair eyebrow rose. "But…?"

Blue eyes met green, as Xena's tone lowered. "I don't want to push my luck."

Glaring at the warrior for a moment, stung, the blonde got to her feet and stormed out of the campsite into the quiet darkness. When she was far enough away she was certain Xena wouldn't hear her, she growled out her frustrations and a thick tree received the brunt of her anger until her palms were red and sore.

Was it possible that Xena really thought it was just luck that kept them together? How could Xena attribute her love, her loyalty and determination, for something so chance, so trivial? After all they'd gone through with each other, and for each other, did the tall warrior really believe that it all came down to Gods-be-damned _luck_?

* * *

Xena knew the bard was angry, and mentally cursed herself for having hurt the one she loved. Gabrielle meant everything to her, and the warrior knew she would do anything for her, if it meant keeping her safe… even if "anything" proved to be her disappearance. It was better, she thought. If Gabrielle was upset, she'd be less likely to come after her when she left. 

Yes, that's right. Not if Xena left, but when. If the two weren't together in the future, there was no way her vision could come true. It had taken the woman many sleepless nights and heart-wrenching days to come to that conclusion. She was almost sure that her leaving would hurt more than any pain the physical world could come close to inflicting, but she would find a way to manage… or at least, that's what she kept telling herself. In the back of her mind she knew there was nothing for her without Gabrielle in her life, and leaving would tear her apart.

"But she'll be safe," she whispered aloud, sagging her shoulders. "I always knew it'd be trouble for her to follow me, but I figured it would be her that left because of the danger… not me."

Knowing the bard would not be back for some time, until she'd had a chance to let off a bit more steam, Xena grabbed one of the blonde's bare scrolls and dug around for a quill. She knew leaving a note was the coward's way out, but it was the only solution she could come up with where she'd have enough time to be too far ahead for Gabrielle to catch up with, should the bard decide to follow after her.

Scrawling the words as they came to her head, knowing they probably didn't make much sense nor was she anywhere near as talented as her bard, the warrior could only hope she would get her message across.

Hearing soft but even footsteps that signaled the bard's return, Xena quickly stuffed the scroll into one of her own saddlebags, replacing the quill just as Gabrielle came into the clearing. The blonde made no attempt to even glance in Xena's direction, she simply laid down on her bedroll and, with her back to the warrior, pretended to sleep.

Xena knew Gabrielle wasn't asleep; not yet, anyhow. Right now she was simply showing Xena how upset she was by refusing to turn towards her. The warrior accepted this fairly easily. The bard had chosen the silent treatment a few times during their travels together, and while it hurt every time, it had never changed their sleeping arrangements. Xena would patiently wait until Gabrielle was really asleep, and then lay beside her.

This night, Xena wondered how deep of a slumber would be necessary for Gabrielle to allow her to sleep by her side. A heavy blow to her heart occurred some time later when the warrior, positive Gabrielle was sound asleep, tried to make her bed beside the small woman, only to have her move further away. A critical look concluded the bard was truly sleeping, and no matter how subtle she tried to be, Gabrielle's unconscious even refused to permit Xena's close proximity.

Pained, Xena moved her blanket a few feet away, and stretched out on her back, gazing towards the stars, unable to see their twinkling beauty for the tears in her eyes.

The next morning, Xena awoke early, almost surprised that she'd fallen asleep at all. It must have taken several hours, she knew, and therefore her slumber was quite short, as Apollo had not yet escorted the light across the sky.

Taking the scroll she'd written the night before, she placed it in Gabrielle's scroll bag carefully. She didn't want the bard to find the scroll too quickly and be able to track her; she wanted to be a good distance away by the time Gabrielle awoke. Gathering her things, the warrior mounted Argo quietly. Leading the mare out slowly, until she was sure Gabrielle wouldn't hear the horse's strong hooves striking the ground, Xena spurred her into a swift run, having no idea where she was going other than away.

Gabrielle stretched slowly as the sun warmed her face, waking her gently. She was not surprised when her arms didn't come into contact with the form of her warrior; Xena had been getting up early to hunt for many days. The bard knew it was also due to an inability to sleep well. Which was another thing Xena hadn't been talking to her about…

It took her a good few minutes before she realized Xena's bedroll was nowhere around. What reason did Xena have to pack her things before breakfast? And speaking of packing… why didn't she hear Argo? Now rising to her feet, Gabrielle looked at the campsite carefully, not seeing any of Xena's belongings in the area. Walking just outside the clearing, where Argo had been resting the night before, the bard found the spot to be vacant.

"What's going on here?" she wondered, slightly alarmed but trying to fight the panic which was steadily building. Why would Xena leave in the middle of the night without telling her? Sure, she'd been upset last night, but that was no reason for the warrior to simply take off without a word! If there'd been some kind of emergency, Xena would have woken her; if someone had needed help, Xena would have taken her along. They were long past the days of Xena fighting while Gabrielle stayed tucked away in a distant village.

So what else could it be, then? What would drive Xena to pack up and leave?

_I intend to find out,_ she decided, and began to break what was left of the camp. Rolling up her bedroll, she noticed that Xena had left most of their cooking items, so after packing those away, all that was left was her scroll bag, which she scooped up in a single motion. A scroll tumbled out, and she muttered to herself as she picked it up, stuffing it back into the bag before pausing. It was one of her scrolls, all right… but she never wrote her own name on the outside.

Dropping the bedroll and sitting on it, she removed the scroll and unrolled the parchment, reading the words twice to be sure she understood them correctly.

_i don't want to fight with you, i just want us both to understand there's something in this silence being said.  
and i don't wanna be alone up here when i know that you're down there  
and I'm chasing away the voices in my head. _

_i don't want to disagree, i just want to go to sleep and leave this all behind me in my dreams.  
i know i shouldn't leave but i know i'm more afraid to stay,  
there must be some kind of medium i can reach. _

_and if i open up this soul to you promise you won't turn away,  
and if by morning our tears aren't together again, i'll still love you today. _

_i don't want to drag it on and keep it here another day. i just want to let it go...  
and i don't want to hear about honesty when neither of us says a word and there's still so much we both need to know._

_i don't like all these thoughts, it's getting a little crowded here. i just want a clear head.  
and i don't want to see the insecurity in your eyes, i just want to lie here in the dark with you in this bed._

_and if i open up this soul to you promise you won't turn away,  
and if by morning our tears aren't together again, i'll still love you today. _

_walking over bridges we may stumble, we may fall  
but in the sidetracks of the season is the call,  
you calm it all. _

_i don't want to talk anymore, let's call it a day, give it a rest,  
i just want to hold you here, don't move, don't say a word. _

_let's leave the fighting in the past…_

Gabrielle blinked away the tears that had formed during the reading. The words were powerful; more meaningful and open than the bard had ever known Xena to relate. Whatever was going unsaid, whatever it was the warrior felt she couldn't tell… that was what had forced her to go. That and, as she'd written, she was afraid to open up completely, afraid to stay.

"You haven't run from anything before, Xena. I'm not going to let you hide now," Gabrielle spoke aloud, rolling up the scroll and placing it in her bag once more, hefting the bedroll onto her shoulder and starting down the path to search for Xena, even as the tall warrior passed her second village without slowing Argo a step.

At first Gabrielle had difficulty following the faint tracks. She wasn't sure how long Xena had been gone, but it was obvious the wind had been given plenty of time to cover the traces of her path, not to mention she tried to stick to hard-packed earth. It was as if she didn't want the bard to find her at all.

As the day passed and her shadow shortened to a mere whisper, the blonde couldn't help but feel discouraged. She wasn't even sure she was going the right way; she had yet to find a definite mark. Xena could have been half-a-day's ride in the other direction for all she knew. And there was the fact that she was indeed riding Argo, while Gabrielle was on foot, which would slow her down as well. Approaching it as a test Xena had arranged to test the small woman's skills, Gabrielle refused to back down, and she refused to fail.

She was going to find Xena. Period. There was no Plan Beta. She didn't need one. Because she was going to find Xena and then they would talk. They would both talk, about everything, until it was all out in the open and tears had been shed and hearts broken and mended. That was all there was to it.

But, first…

What had Xena always told her? To follow her instincts, to listen to her body. Closing her eyes, Gabrielle stopped and took a deep breath, tuning in to the beat of her heart. She stood like that for some time, the sun beating down on her, warming the redness on her skin for a second day in a row, feeling the wind and hearing a rabbit scuttle around in the bushes. She stayed still until all she heard was the thumping of her heart in her ears, echoing loudly.

She opened her eyes.

Her gut feeling told her she was going in the right direction, the path that would lead her to Xena. Her heart agreed; this was the way to her soul mate. The connection they had was still strong, no matter if Xena meant to leave it behind or not. With that settled, she walked on once more, her mind running through various things she would say once she found her warrior.

That had been three days ago. Xena had traveled until just a candlemark ago, coming to stop at a small village when she found a decent looking inn. She wasn't interested in a place to sleep; she wanted no part of a comfortable bed if she couldn't share it with Gabrielle. The only thing that drew her interest was the notion of something to help fill the void in her soul and the canyon in her heart.

The bard had yet to find her. Xena didn't figure she would, either. The warrior had been careful not to leave any obvious tracks, traveling through the woods and fields, walking Argo on occasion so as not to leave the deep hoof marks a strong gallop would cause. Gabrielle was good, she knew, and had learned many things from her, but tracking had never been her strong suit.

* * *

The biggest fear that gnawed at the warrior was that the blonde would get in trouble and she wouldn't be there to help. Yes, Gabrielle could and did take care of herself rather well, but Xena always kept an eye on her and made sure she had everything under control, offering assistance quite often. 

"Well, no more of that," she stated, and drained her mug again. Pushing back her chair, she paid the barkeep and left, a slight waver in her step. Climbing onto her horse, she let Argo have her lead, and set up camp wherever the mare stopped.

* * *

Gabrielle stopped at this village as she had all the others, asking the innkeepers if they'd seen a tall warrior that fit Xena's description. The first few shook their heads and told her if she wasn't going to buy a drink to get out, but the man at the fourth village nodded. 

"Yeah, I seen her. She paid me for her port and left, 'bout four or five candlemarks, I'd say," he guessed, and nodded again when Gabrielle thanked him and ran out. Knowing she was on the right track, and that the warrior was close by almost made the bard lose her concentration and miss the clues Argo had left behind as she carried her mistress into the dark.

Even by the moonlight, Gabrielle was able to follow the marks easy enough, having gotten used to what to look for in the past few days. She found the camp before the moon began to set, and saw Xena sleeping rather peacefully, though she wasn't fooled. The bard knew if she made too much noise, the warrior would awaken and the plan she'd made would have been for naught.

Taking a scroll out of her bag, not the one Xena had written to her, but one she had composed the first night of her lone travel, she laid it by the saddlebags and silently walked out of sight. Her own camp was set up nearby, and as she rested her head, the blonde told herself she'd be up early, before her warrior.

Xena stirred awake late the next morning, the port having successfully sedated the dream-vision for at least one night. She stretched for a minute, then fell still again, resting. A whinny encouraged her to get moving, and she sat up, reaching for the saddlebags to retrieve an apple for Argo, a good treat for the mare who'd been quite patient with Xena.

The sight of the scroll gave her pause; the knowledge that someone had been in her camp during the night without her awareness made her a bit uneasy, and she immediately swore she wouldn't drink so much port at one sitting again.

Unrolling the parchment easily, her heart caught in her throat when the words registered.

_I hold you close,_

_And you turn away._

_I want to listen,_

_And you have nothing to say._

_I stay, always,_

_But you seem to drift._

_I don't know what_

_Has caused this rift._

_No matter what,_

_I will be here for you._

_Smile, cry, shout, or walk,_

_My word holds true._

_We've been together_

_Held strong through it all._

_Why is this different?_

_Have we farther to fall?_

_Stumble you may,_

_But I will offer my arm._

_If you'll let me,_

_I'll keep you from harm._

_All has been said,_

_Words of anger and pain._

_The damage is done,_

_I'm through with this rain._

_Cracks in the wall_

_Of our once steady love._

_It's been shaken, yes,_

_But there remains just enough._

_We can fix this hurt,_

_Day by day._

_Speak or be silent,_

_I love you either way._

_My love is real,_

_Unconditional, and here._

_We can work through it all;_

_Mistakes, pain, and fear._

A few spaces down, there was another segment of writing:

_X,_

_I don't know exactly what you're running from, but I'm going to find you and we'll face it together. You taught me never to run away from my fears, and I'm not about to let you go and hide. I'm here if you want to talk, and even if you don't. Call my name before the sun is high and I'll come. If not, I know you truly want to leave, and all I can say is that I love you._

_Always,_

_G_

Xena wiped a few errant tears that had fallen as her heart absorbed the words. Despite the joyful dance her heart was beating, the thoughts that coursed through her mind couldn't agree on how to feel. She wasn't sure how Gabrielle had found her so quickly, or how she'd left the scroll without waking her, but she had yet to decide if she was happy about it.

She had left to keep Gabrielle safe. No Gabrielle in her life meant no Gabrielle dying in her future. It also meant a very lonely, miserable, and probably short future for the warrior… but Gabrielle would be free from the pain, free from the danger, free from the hurt that was all part of the Xena package, and that was what it came down to in the end. Not Xena, she'd done more than enough to deserve a life of solitude and despair, but Gabrielle, the amazing and caring bard, was the one who mattered. Keeping Gabrielle safe had been Xena's main goal ever since the young blonde had appeared at her campsite one night, many moons ago, and she intended to meet that goal by any means necessary.

And yet… and yet there was the fact that she loved her. Gods help her, Xena loved the bard with every fiber of her being. She couldn't help but feel selfish when the thought of staying together crossed her mind. That would only lead to Gabrielle's death, she'd been shown that, but a dark little sliver of her didn't care. As long as they had each other nothing else was of any consequence. Good times and bad times… as long as they were shared with Gabrielle, Xena found herself indifferent to which one occurred. The Fates would cut their threads when it was time, and until then, they would be together.

Could she call Gabrielle, knowing she'd be leading her to her death? Knowing for sure, not just walking around with the haunting notion that her enemies would one day get revenge on her through Gabrielle, she could feel the stinging snow that proved the reality… there was no doubt of it, now. It came down to this, the warrior realized: speak, and mend her heart but sentence her to death, or remain silent, and save her life but shatter her soul.

No longer certain if she was thinking with her mind or with her heart, blue eyes closed, and Xena took a deep breath.

"Gabrielle."


End file.
